This particular item was posted on the wall of an early Lodging
Establishment in Green River, a town in the Rocky Mountains.
The reference material for this item is
THROUGH AMERICA: OR NINE
MONTHS IN THE UNITED STATES by Walter Gore Marshall
Published in 1881. It is not technically related to the
Town of Bartlett in any way, but anyone who has ever worked at a
lodging establishment can appreciate the droll humor, which in
fact, is not all that far from the truth even today.
The station inn, the only hotel in the place, is called the Desert House. A more appropriate name could not have been chosen. The following notice I found framed and hung about the breakfast-room :
This hotel has been built and arranged for
the special comfort and convenience of summer
boarders. On arrival, each guest will be asked
how he likes the situation; and if he says the
, hotel ought to have been placed up upon the
I knoll or further down towards the village, then the location of the house will be immediately
Corner front rooms, up only one
flight, for every guest.
, liaths, gas, water-closets, hot and cold water, laundry, telegraph, restaurant,
fire alarm, barroom, billiard-table, daily papers, couptf, sewing machine, grand piano, a clergyman, and all other modern conveniences in every room.
Meals every minute, if desired, and consequently no second table. English, French, and ticrman dictionaries furnished every guest, to make up such a bill-of-fare as he may desire, without regard to the bill-affair after- wards at the office. Waiters of any nationality and colour desired. Every waiter furnished with a libretto, button-hole bouquet, full-dress suits, ball-tablets, and his hair parted in the middle. Every guest will have the best seat in the dining-hall, and the best waiter in the house.
Any guest not getting his breakfast red-hot, or experiencing a delay of sixteen seconds after giving his order for dinner, will please mention the fact at the office, and the cooks and waiters will be blown from the mouth of the cannon in front of the hotel at once.
Children will be welcomed with delight, and are requested to bring hoop-sticks and hawkeys to bang the carved rosewood furniture especially provided for that purpose, and peg-tops to spin on the velvet carpets; they will be allowed to bang on the piano at all hours, yell in the halls, slide down the bannisters, fall down stairs, carry away dessert enough fora small family in their pockets at dinner, and make themselves as disagreeable as the fondest mother can desire.
Washing allowed in rooms, and ladies giving an order to " put me on a flat-iron " will be put on one at any hour of the day or night. A discreet waiter, who belongs to the Masons. Odd Fellows, Knights of Pythias, and who was never known to even tell the lime of day.
has been employed to carry milk punches and hot toddies to ladies' rooms in the evening.
Every lady will be considered the belle of the house, and row-boys will answer the bell prompily. Should any row-boy fail to appear at a guesi's door with a pitcher of ice-water, more towels, a gin-cocktail, and pen, ink, and paper, before the guest's hand has left the bellknob, he will be branded " Front" on his forehead, and be imprisoned for life.
The office clerk has been carefully selected lo please everybody, and can lead in prayer, play draw-poker, match worsted al the village store, shake for the drinks at any hour, day or night, play billiards, is a good waltzer and can dance the German, can make a fourth at euchre, amuse children, repeat the Heechcr trial from memory, is a good judge of horses, as a railway and steamboat reference is far superior to Appleton's or anybody else's guide, will
flirt with any young lady and not mind being cut dead when "pa comes down." Don't mind being damned any more than a Connecticut river. Can room forty people in the best room in the house when
the hotel is full, attend to the annunciator, and answer questions in Hebrew, Greek, Choctaw, Irish, or any other polite language at the same moment, without turning a hair.
Dogs allowed in any room in the house, including the w(h)ine room. Gentlemen can drink, smoke, swear, chew, gamble, tell shady stories, stare at the new arrivals, and indulge in any other innocent amusements common to watering-places, in any part of the hotel.
The proprietor will always be happy to hear that some other hotel is the best house in the country. Special attention given to parties who can give information as to how these things are done in " Yewrup "
The proprietor will take it as a personal affront if any guest on leaving should fail to dispute the bill, tell him he is a swindler, the house a barn, the table wretched, the wines vile, and that he, the guest, "was never so imposed upon in his life, will never stop there again, and means to warn his friends.
G. W. KITCHEN,
This is from about ten years ago: When I was on the front
Desk at Sky Valley one night an elderly man came into the office
at about eleven o clock at night in a total frenzy reporting
that his toilet was overflowing and he could not make it stop.
I asked him to remind me which unit he was staying at and he said "Unit
34". I replied, "We do not have a unit #34".
Then he said that he was staying at The Villager Motel next door
but he could find no one in their office. He asked if I
could go over there to take care of the problem?"
I could only politely reply that I had no knowledge of any of
his plumbing nor the authority to go work on it and that I could
be of no assistance.
At this, the man grumbled off muttering what an inhospitabile
host I was.
This section is going to need the help of our local inn-keepers
and their employees to pass along little stories or incidences of
general Interest. Subject matter should be at least ten
years in the past and may not contain disparaging remarks aimed
at any individual or business.
HERE'S A FORM TO SUBMIT YOUR EXPERIENCE
THE HOWARD HOTEL: Ad found in the Auto Blue Book of 1917.
William Irish is the Manager; I wonder who the "expert mechanic"
mentioned was? If you know please tell me. Use the
contact us link above.